I’m not ready for her to start school.

I’ve just sat down, and had a little cry. Maybe it’s just my hormones, I told Jack. He said I’m being silly.

How can I explain how excited I am, but also very very sad? 

Tomorrow is the last day before Isla starts school. Yes, she’s done a whole school year at preschool already, five days a week- but that was only three hours a day. In reception, she will be in someone else’s hands from 8:45am till 3:30pm. 

Most mornings, by 8:30, she’s still parading around in her dressing gown, trying to swindle me out of more coco pops in exchange for cuddles under the blanket while we watch CBeebies with her little brother. Now, she will be running up the hill to school, stifling yawns as she spots her friends and disappears for the day. 

Lunchtime, I’d let her come into the kitchen to pick what she has. Archer wants a banana, she wants an apple. Sometimes if she was lucky I’d make noodles or pasta, and she could help me cook. 

She would go to preschool for a couple of hours. I’d relish in the quiet as it meant just chasing after one child for a while and getting some housework done. If she was tired, or had a sad day, at least it was only a couple of hours and she’d get to come home. 

We’ve had four years of long days together. Some days we made the most of every minute. Some days I swore I couldn’t wait for her to start school as we argued like we were both children- we are both strong willed and stubborn. Some days, I’d tell her I was too tired or too busy to play as I tried to keep up with the housework. 

It breaks my heart with regret to remember how often I said no to things. It’s impossible not to compare my parenting over the last years with those Pinterest perfect mums online who seem to have time for a trip, healthy lunch, educational craft activity and housework every day. I did my best for her, I have to keep telling myself we didn’t waste a moment. 

I feel so excited for her. School will help her grow and teach her things I never could. She will be permanently surrounded by all her little friends. She will flourish. 

I feel sad because the time with her felt so long, but now it’s done I feel like I really didn’t make the most of it. She will be in someone else’s hands most of her days now. 

I’m so so proud of our Isla, she’s grown so much and so fast- but it feels like it all went too fast. Isla is completely ready for school- more than ready. I think it’s just going to take me a little longer to stop seeing her as my baby.